We never did say goodbye.
That’s what gets to me. Everything about this feels wrong.
Especially the fact that I’m counting on this piece to tell you what I can’t bring myself to.
It’s ironic how it went from when I could hit you up with anything just a month ago to this blankness.
This gaping void that widens the more I consider crossing it.
Just a month. What ever did happen?
I did get busy.
I got as busy as I could to hide. Conveniently.
I needed the space to stop thinking about how I was betraying you.
If having feelings is a perfectly natural instinct that people cannot avoid, so must be not reciprocating.
And I can’t.
This shouldn’t have to be this hard.
I didn’t sign up for this awkwardness wherein I actively avoid you every day. Every single day.
Not just you, all of your friends.
I cannot face them when they’re so integrally connected to you in my head.
It sounds like a cliche, maybe?
That this is the Friendzone. Yikes.
Except it isn’t because you never even told me.
So neither will I- is what I resolved.
(Can I be as petty as that? You knew me- take a guess.)
Except it’s so weird, not having a guy friend to bounce things off of.
Not getting into the most insane arguments and getting riled up over insensitive jokes that I would secretly smile over.
My friends swear you’re a good guy.
I know. It’s hilarious to think I’d have missed that with my keen observation.
I know and always did. I just kept trying to downplay.
They also tell me that it’s never too late to reach out.
Isn’t it, though?
Isn’t there a secret expiry date to all things good?
Maybe there isn’t one but I quietly wish there was one.
I definitely don’t know how to reset.
Ignoring my slightly persistent gloomy doubts about ignoring this has been quite exhausting.
So I think I have to lay it to rest.
Correction. I have to.
This is the eulogy.
I hope you never read it because you’ve forgotten I exist.
The headstone looks just like thousands of others- wasted hours, rotting with passing time and dying hopes.
The moss that grows over this one will be just that much more green, I hope.