Yearning for Self Reliance

It’s my personal experience that even though I’ve been an adult for a long time, I feel terribly incompetent to handle the typically adult facets of life. I still feel young and naive and very ignorant about most things.

I blame my parents. (It’s debatable actually.)

A ‘sheltered’ life comes at the cost of my total dependence on others- family and friends, sure- but it’s still a shame that I can’t drive anywhere, can’t pay any bills, can’t handle my own finances (though I have none, but that’s a minor concern), can’t be of any practical use in any emergency because I’m busy doing stuff for myself. This sucks because I see my cousins and friends be amazingly useful IRL and basically win at life while I’m stuck typing meaningless rants and figuring out what I can be good at, maybe.

It’s not just being of use, but the self reliance that obviously results from having skills that help you survive that makes me jealous. Deeply jealous.

Self reliance is such an important factor in taking decisions I would kill to have any at all. I’m not exaggerating when I say I have none, because I don’t have what it takes to survive! I’ve never been involved in paperwork, I’ve never cooked basic food, I’ve never driven myself anywhere, I’ve never been shopping for the ‘essentials’(because it seems boring), I’ve never even thought of supporting myself financially before this. In any other society but ours, I’d have failed in survival itself- not counting how I can’t handle weather and myself and studying- but here it’s only an added bonus that I can live independently. I know this seems like a weird wish because I’m cribbing about not having paid bills and done the dishes and worked a day in my life but this is seriously something that bothers me.

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On Identity and Insecurities

 

In case you missed it, I have certain reservations about my writing and that’s because I’m no expert at anything and that fact steeps me in so much insecurity, I’d but almost given this(typing) up. I also have little readership that will be significantly affected if I stop writing but it would’ve given me some other fact to be insecure about- that I failed at blogging (but at least I tried, right? Wrong.).

Okay, my preliminary insecurities aside so that you can’t call me out later on, what about other people?

I just spent today morning watching one of the many that call themselves YouTubers talking about how he’d given up opportunities to do really cool projects because he felt he looked fat. I can’t explain how terrible I felt to hear him talk about his insecurity with his weight issues so openly because all his regular videos are usually taking on a more sarcastic side of his being fat and gross and un-funny. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. He said he’d lost his sense of security when he wasn’t controlling the camera because he’d be called fat for being reasonably healthy and that gave him extreme anxiety- but nearly every other video of his is him being all jovial and confident about those very topics and roasting himself in front of his fans. Worse still, in any metric of “success”, he seems like a perfect candidate- he has 2 published books, millions of viewers, short films and a successful podcast. I felt personally very, very sorry for him because this seemed very out of character for him but then I realized the confidence could be a part of his personal YouTube persona and it wasn’t really all him and the anxious, scared and insecure part was a lot of him off screen and that cost me some time wondering how much of our identities are made up and how much of it was dictated by our insecurities. I don’t know your answer to this, I’m not you and neither am I on Facebook or Instagram or any other photo sharing apps because of my insecurity based on how I look. I don’t need to go through the judgement and self deprecation I might face on seeing ugly (read all) pictures of myself on the interweb.

I have insecurities, admittedly.

I wonder why though? Read more

Helplessness

Have you ever read the news about terror attacks and famines and disease outbreaks all over the world and just felt so powerless and helpless because you can’t do anything about it at all? I have, and for a while that stopped me from reading any sort of news at all and then I realized the news wasn’t altogether avoidable.

Then it struck me that I couldn’t run and hide from depressing news forever. The news was what is going on in the world and I could either turn my back and hide from it or learn more and try to understand why so much disastrous news even existed in the first place.

Then, slowly, I started reading, for my own understanding as to why. The reading didn’t clarify too many things to me either- it might have actually raised more confusion in my mind, some which I didn’t have answers to and some I didn’t want answers to because I felt nauseated at the fact that the powerful took little action or advice when they should have. Worse still, history has been cruel to the hapless and innocent far more than it has to the powerful. Read more

Talking about Gender Roles

 

Everyone knows society right? Those pervasive and loud voices that dictate, often, what people are supposed to do and not in their lives because it’s deemed decent or right. This could mean little to a whole lot based on what your social background is and that of the people you interact with is, which is why I have had some pretty weird exchanges in my little social life.

 

I remember during a few family get togethers that all the men would get together and discuss politics and economics and the women would always be separately discussing their friends and their children’s lives and sometimes food and clothes and as kids, we’d not be interested in either discussion. Later on, as we wanted something more playing than board games, we’d go and try to join either discussions but I remember that the topic would promptly change as my cousins and I walked into one room to something like academics and subtle comparisons between my cousins and I but it was still better than the change of conversation in the other room where all the elders would compare us with the number of accolades we’d recently earned, how socially proper we could be and basically anything that could go onto a resume which reflected directly on our mother’s capabilities. I bring this up because after a point, the conversations stopped being dictated by if we were in earshot to being dictated in the most obscure of ways- by the majority gender that was present. If I’d entered the guy’s domain with my male cousins, I’d be subjected to the best kind of banter about driving vehicles, business and sometimes, politics and exercise and sports. In the female dominated room, I’d be made to hear about weddings and clothes and household chores and scandalous gossip on love marriages and weight- because that’s what females did, right?

This article (here) just reiterates what I experience.

I detest(ed) this, and thus defer from choosing tables or rooms if I can avoid it. Read more