DISCLAIMER: TOTAL WORK OF FICTION.
“I type a text but then I nevermind that-
I feel these feelings but you never mind that-“
Story of my life?
I’m the one that this tearful message came pinging to.
However, I’d rather be the one sending this tragic message to someone, in this case.
That’s what comes out of falling for me, I suppose.
Only, this time I feel like an unfair, sadistic fiend sending the guy a nevermind.
He is- was by now, probably- my best friend after all.
I can’t help not being in love with him.
I have no capacity for love.
Not any more, at least.
I feel like such a terrible friend but I also can’t bring myself to lie to him.
He’s a cute boy, no doubt. It’s one of the reasons I fell for his offer of friendship. He could make anything sound funny, his dimples showed up at the most appropriate moments and he happened to be a class A nerd (which I discovered by total accident) in secret, which worked well for him- he had all these cute girls hanging by a thread.
I have a strong predilection to hate such boys.
I hated him too, but very impersonally- he stood for everything I hated in a boy.
Continue reading “Nevermind”
Watch me cry over the deepest loss I have yet faced in my life- my entire childhood.
Okay, so this is what happened to me last week.
I was doing some much needed cleaning and sorting in my home (because I was on a new year, new me! kind of high) and I found tons of stuff that transported me straight to 10 years ago. It’s a little scary for me to realize I’d been hoarding books and games since that innocent little age and that it’s been 10 whole years since I’d begun properly reading. I was a little overwhelmed by the quantity of my selfishness and the amount of support my reading habit had obviously been benefitted by- so thank you everybody for spoiling me as a kid.
The weirder aspect of memories gushing is the distinctive feeling of nostalgia- I had no real experience of that until I came face to face with the objects that literally made my life complete then- and nostalgia has such a stand out flavour among all the other emotions! It’s a blend of welcome realizations, filled with the regret for the quick passage of time, the illusion of peace and quiet and utter satisfaction (that only a poor memory can support because I don’t believe anybody had that peaceful a life, as quiet a life as they wax poetic about while reminiscing about their childhood) and the joy of uncovering the secrets of your younger self- someone you’ve obviously grown up from but didn’t realize when exactly you changed so drastically.
Continue reading “Mourning A Loss”
Small confession, I love lists.
I’ve grown to like making one for everything and now it’s a strange habit that eases my life out in many ways but I cannot imagine why it attracts my fancy so much, given that I’m a very disorganized and confused person inherently.
I’m neither neat nor very good at planning but now my life is all about making to do lists and jotting literally anything down in a bullet journal.
I have this very strange habit of writing down all sorts of tasks in my lists- from tidying my desk, making my bed to getting an amazing grade point on the same list usually and just checking off the easy tasks in a day gives me so much energy and validation that I can really imagine doing all sorts of tougher, out of reach tasks too. It’s working out well for me but there’s got to be some sort of limit as to how much these lists have become my life. From casually referring to the to dos of the day to living by my planner (except it’s a cheap diary because someone pointed out to me that spending a thousand bucks on a planner was sheer madness and I realized I was slowly but surely going down a slippery slope), there’s a little thing called spontaneity that seems to have edged out of my life because I didn’t list it out as something I wanted my life to be about and that’s okay because I’m looking for order and discipline.
Continue reading “My Affinity For Lists”
Welcome to the ultimate guide to creating a brand new time bracket where nothing from your past can affect you, you’re your best possible human self, you’re confident in your own shoes- until then the intoxication wears off. Welcome to the most new year!
Almost a cliché idea but it’s the responsibility of all internet creators to address that it’s a new year and make a list. Any kind of list. (The most irrelevant kinds of lists- what they learned in the past year to what their goals are this year to their most liked Instagram pictures of the past year to how to get started in the new year better etc etc.)
So, in keeping with the pointless tradition of starting afresh and setting goals and all that, here is what I think should be on your list, your list and everybody’s list! because well, I’m entitled to an opinion here because I know only my friends read this and I know what you’re like, people (and I needed to write a post in keeping with the theme).
Continue reading “Keeping Up With The Times”
I’m a semi qualified expert on this so dubious advice can be expected.
In all my years of existence, the Indian dream is one I’ve failed and whether or not I know you, you are allowed to judge me based on that fact. The Indian Dream, if you are blissfully oblivious, is the fact that most successful and lucrative careers in India come out of incubation centres known as IITs (which more often than not requires traumatic, painful maternity wards for the actual birth) so every parent wishes for his children the success that going to an IIT entitles them to. There’s a whole thriving and cut throat industry for entry into these incubation centres which creates a suitable environment for the foetus to grow strong (if you’re already healthy and preferably already crawling and talking) and provide little to no care to the foetus that may have some complications in the birthing process, leaving them weaker and flailing when they need to enter the competition for the incubators.
Bad, uncomfortable analogies aside, let me tell you how to NOT get into an IIT because if anything, I learned from the coaching centre I chose to go to and how I spent the past 2 years of my life, it’s this.
- GET FREAKED OUT BY THE LEVEL OF COMPETITION BEFORE YOU EVEN BEGIN TO LEARN
This is the most frightening aspect of the competition into the IITs. I remember the first day I went for coaching, there was group of guys in the last benches that would answer questions based on concepts I had never heard of before in my life- before the question was posed to the class completely. I was impressed at first but this began to happen in every single class for every single subject (it got so annoying I can’t even find it funny to date how desperate they were to show off) and this kept me from even trying to understand some concepts because I was disheartened within a single month of the coaching. I had only 23 months left to fail. Yay! Continue reading “How NOT to get into a Premier Institution Of Your Nation”
Okay, so this may come as a belated confession, but I’m a confused person in general and something about these topics make me all the more unclear. Sorry in advance.
In case you missed it, I have certain reservations about my writing and that’s because I’m no expert at anything and that fact steeps me in so much insecurity, I’d but almost given this(typing) up. I also have little readership that will be significantly affected if I stop writing but it would’ve given me some other fact to be insecure about- that I failed at blogging (but at least I tried, right? Wrong.).
Okay, my preliminary insecurities aside so that you can’t call me out later on, what about other people?
I just spent today morning watching one of the many that call themselves YouTubers talking about how he’d given up opportunities to do really cool projects because he felt he looked fat. I can’t explain how terrible I felt to hear him talk about his insecurity with his weight issues so openly because all his regular videos are usually taking on a more sarcastic side of his being fat and gross and un-funny. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. He said he’d lost his sense of security when he wasn’t controlling the camera because he’d be called fat for being reasonably healthy and that gave him extreme anxiety- but nearly every other video of his is him being all jovial and confident about those very topics and roasting himself in front of his fans. Worse still, in any metric of “success”, he seems like a perfect candidate- he has 2 published books, millions of viewers, short films and a successful podcast. I felt personally very, very sorry for him because this seemed very out of character for him but then I realized the confidence could be a part of his personal YouTube persona and it wasn’t really all him and the anxious, scared and insecure part was a lot of him off screen and that cost me some time wondering how much of our identities are made up and how much of it was dictated by our insecurities. I don’t know your answer to this, I’m not you and neither am I on Facebook or Instagram or any other photo sharing apps because of my insecurity based on how I look. I don’t need to go through the judgement and self deprecation I might face on seeing ugly (read all) pictures of myself on the interweb.
I have insecurities, admittedly.
I wonder why though? Continue reading “On Identity and Insecurities”
Yet another armchair analysis of the issues in today’s world?
Have you ever read the news about terror attacks and famines and disease outbreaks all over the world and just felt so powerless and helpless because you can’t do anything about it at all? I have, and for a while that stopped me from reading any sort of news at all and then I realized the news wasn’t altogether avoidable.
Then it struck me that I couldn’t run and hide from depressing news forever. The news was what is going on in the world and I could either turn my back and hide from it or learn more and try to understand why so much disastrous news even existed in the first place.
Then, slowly, I started reading, for my own understanding as to why. The reading didn’t clarify too many things to me either- it might have actually raised more confusion in my mind, some which I didn’t have answers to and some I didn’t want answers to because I felt nauseated at the fact that the powerful took little action or advice when they should have. Worse still, history has been cruel to the hapless and innocent far more than it has to the powerful. Continue reading “Helplessness”
Everyone knows society right? Those pervasive and loud voices that dictate, often, what people are supposed to do and not in their lives because it’s deemed decent or right. This could mean little to a whole lot based on what your social background is and that of the people you interact with is, which is why I have had some pretty weird exchanges in my little social life.
I remember during a few family get togethers that all the men would get together and discuss politics and economics and the women would always be separately discussing their friends and their children’s lives and sometimes food and clothes and as kids, we’d not be interested in either discussion. Later on, as we wanted something more playing than board games, we’d go and try to join either discussions but I remember that the topic would promptly change as my cousins and I walked into one room to something like academics and subtle comparisons between my cousins and I but it was still better than the change of conversation in the other room where all the elders would compare us with the number of accolades we’d recently earned, how socially proper we could be and basically anything that could go onto a resume which reflected directly on our mother’s capabilities. I bring this up because after a point, the conversations stopped being dictated by if we were in earshot to being dictated in the most obscure of ways- by the majority gender that was present. If I’d entered the guy’s domain with my male cousins, I’d be subjected to the best kind of banter about driving vehicles, business and sometimes, politics and exercise and sports. In the female dominated room, I’d be made to hear about weddings and clothes and household chores and scandalous gossip on love marriages and weight- because that’s what females did, right?
This article (here) just reiterates what I experience.
I detest(ed) this, and thus defer from choosing tables or rooms if I can avoid it. Continue reading “Talking about Gender Roles”
Do you understand and believe in success? I don’t and I just about tolerate our fascination with it.
So I remember how all through high school we’d be forced to write short essays on Success and the factors affecting people’s success stories and I don’t believe how silly, almost just paraphrased all our write-ups would be (because that was what was expected of us then- a simple sense of correct grammar with a smattering of vocabulary was enough to fetch you the mark you thought you deserved, regardless of if the essay was plagiarised or not). All my reservations regarding the education system aside, there’s a huge issue I find in the problem of analyzing success and glorifying the mother of all abstract concepts- there can never be one single statutory definition of success and that in itself disqualifies the right of failure being such an issue in our lives. All our lives we do things we’re assuredly good at or are meant to be good at so we can avoid failure but doesn’t failure just become moot when there is a big logical gap in what success is and hence, what you consider as failure?
Continue reading “The Fallacy In Success”
Small confession- I might be a little biased on this topic because I’m still hungover from two events in the past week.
Now, all my life, I’ve felt somewhat inadequate by myself and somehow being part of something bigger than me and disjoint from my own selfishness gives me a sense of purpose I haven’t felt otherwise.
It’s not to say that I was instrumental to any events till date, I was but a mere volunteer (for both in the past week), assisting as my skills and eagerness would allow me to but being just an inconsequential part in the larger scheme of the event itself was a very freeing experience for me.
It’s a weird feeling, because I myself am ambitious in most situations, to be able to be content with a nameless role in teams where I am just the bottom most rung and one among many nameless volunteers like me, unrecognisable from one another because of the work we do. I, however, was content- more so than when I’m chasing after something for my own personal benefit- and that came to me as the best surprise this year.
Continue reading “On (Being A Part Of Organising) Events”