Armchair Stories

Humans are probably more than assholes but after all my experience with them, you have to empathize with why I maintain that they are a bunch of asses.

 

She was so incredibly fat, I really couldn’t handle her any longer. Every time she brought her ass into the immediate surroundings, I just had to express my distaste at her burgeoning presence. There literally was no other option, you see- you try being used for your resilience for months on end when you put up with the most disgusting, flabby, corpulent of asses without the slightest of creaks. Croaks, I mean.

 

So one day, just once I make the slightest of sounds on having been shocked out of a stupor by one of you asses descending on my space. Being the hospitable sort, not once do I make any noise, adjusting to all your grinding and groaning and flatulence for hours at a time. The worst betrayal to my uncomplaining demeanor is when you get the vile, reprehensible thought to replace me. Like your lazy butt has ever thought to get up to do anything for yourself before- always dragging on your heels and dragging me unnaturally along too, you hunched sloth.

 

There is literally no way I could handle your betrayal but only if I’d known you were truly as lazy as to not really act on your impulses. No wonder you belong to the “higher species.” It’s hilarious now, when I think of all the tantrums I pulled when pulled your weight around- buckling even to the most underwhelming of you asses to prove a point.

Who’d have really known you were tired of my non ergonomic, insanely fresh forms of rebellion?

Damn, but it provoked you, you got your ass out of sight, went out and bought yourself another one. She supports your spineless form better (or so you think), gives you the best sensations down there (boy, does she not like it though) and cost you twice as much as I did. I hope you’re happier because I certainly am. I’ve moved on, to the corners of your house you don’t truly care about just like my space in your heart. You still use me, just not as obnoxiously as you did, just to dump your baggage on me, to lay out all your dirty laundry, to make me feel more violated than I ever have.

There’s no denying your requests because if there was one thing worse than being merely furniture to you, it’s being furniture you were an ass to.  

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