Now, all my life, I’ve felt somewhat inadequate by myself and somehow being part of something bigger than me and disjoint from my own selfishness gives me a sense of purpose I haven’t felt otherwise.
It’s not to say that I was instrumental to any events till date, I was but a mere volunteer (for both in the past week), assisting as my skills and eagerness would allow me to but being just an inconsequential part in the larger scheme of the event itself was a very freeing experience for me.
It’s a weird feeling, because I myself am ambitious in most situations, to be able to be content with a nameless role in teams where I am just the bottom most rung and one among many nameless volunteers like me, unrecognisable from one another because of the work we do. I, however, was content- more so than when I’m chasing after something for my own personal benefit- and that came to me as the best surprise this year.
There’s a false relationship between individuality and one’s work which has to be cast away when in such a position. The lack of dignity for some work makes one’s vision cloudy from the outside but on committing to the success of an event- despite its direct addition of value to your own life, despite the scale of it, despite it being somebody else’s brainchild and especially because it takes a lot more than one mind to bring it to form- significantly improves the quality of (my) work irrespective of what work it is and how significant it is in the grand scheme of things.
This kind of neutrality in thought process brings out a side of me I appreciate more in the aftermath- I literally woke up the day after the first event last week mentally prepared for the chaos, the running about and a to-do that seems unattainable at the onset but magically gets done because of simple willingness of the teams and good delegation. The responsibility I felt after both events was a little surprising because of how little I thought I’d be affected (and the respite after bearing responsibility almost got me to cry but then I checked myself because it wasn’t my event, was it? I was but the smallest axle in the car- there to support the wheels and keep them from falling but not moving the vehicle myself- so why was I so almost overwhelmed?)
It was probably the sense of purposelessness that left me reeling afterwards, along with the loss of camaraderie and the sense of conviction that we could pull things off despite not having sufficient resources, facing issues we couldn’t seem solvable and panicking time and time again on the most trivial issues for fear that it would cause the whole event to collapse upon itself and though I see myself as a mere witness to this now, I can’t wait to be a more involved member of this anxiety-filled-hope-shattering-heartbreaking-profanity-inducing ball of responsibilities that are just an experience to the ones they’re intended to serve and entertain but provide deeper meaning to the people that serve the cause.
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